haunting

too much caffeine today, not enough logic.
Nauseous from the drugs now, I’m pissed off with the stupidity.
Flashdance is shit-only worth it for the music.
I seem to be regressing every time I think I’ve learned lately.
I know you were never any good for me.
I’m even completely aware that I could never have had
a healthy relationship with you.
But that doesn’t stop me missing you.
Fuck.
It occurred to me today that maybe there was more
to what you said than I first thought.
I actually almost made an incredibly bad decision;
something I wouldn’t even have considered if she was here.
I’m clearly not to be trusted with my own life.
but to be honest I’m just talking shit at the moment.
what I really want is to get it out of me, all of this
that’s been building up, everything I want to say to you.
Maybe then I can actually start to let go, instead of pretending.
I want to ask you if you’re ok.
(I want to know if you’re happy with him.)
I want to tell you that I don’t hate you.
(I want you to know I miss you.)
but remind you that I should. & wish I did. & tried to.
I want to just forget the emotion, but keep the lesson.
But it’s taking far too fucking long,
and I’m sick of you haunting my peripherals.
Just get out of my goddamn head.