debilitated

I take this necklace off at night, I always have.

I used to take necklaces off at night because of something
a grown up once said about the dangers of strangulation.

But that isn't why I take this necklace off.

I carefully unclip that beautiful little physical reminder of
you as a part of me every night because
I am scared that it might break.

And this reason instills as much fear in me as the former,
which may sound a little ridiculous, but not to you.
Because you can see that it's that same fear
for my life that goes against my innate
lack of discipline every night
and reminds me quietly not to leave it on.

Is this a weak analogy?
It seems to fit to a strange extent,
right down to the tiny tug in me that doesn't want to let go and hear
the cold clink of metal on windowsill or bedside table tonight.

So here's what I want you to tell me,
because trying to figure it out without you feels like..
a lot of words, all of which mean either wrong or ridiculous
or futile.

Or as impossibly difficult as writing is when I'm so utterly lost.
It's like I'm stuttering, wading through something thick,
and frustration.

See?

What I want to know is if you think that leaving this necklace on
is maybe something I should risk.


I'm sorry that this isn't more eloquent,
a hundred times,
my best;

I am debilitated by the lack of your input in an area of my thoughts.